Archives for October 2019

1. The events of this world don’t make you angry. Your “hot thoughts” create your aggression and or anger. Genuinely negative events do occur. It is not the event itself that determines your emotional response, but the meaning you attach to it – which makes you responsible for how you feel about a given situation. The idea that you are responsible for your emotions (aggression/anger) is ultimately to your advantage because it gives you the opportunity to achieve control and make a free choice about how you want to feel. If it weren’t for this, you would be helpless to control your emotions; they would be irreversibly bound up with every external event of this world, most of which are ultimately out of your control.
2. Most of the time your aggression or anger will not help you. It will immobilize you, and you will become frozen in your hostility to no productive end. You will likely feel better if you place your emphasis on the active search for creative solutions. What can you do to correct or mitigate the difficultly or at least reduce the likelihood that you’ll re-experience the same situation in the future? This positive and hopeful attitude will eliminate to a certain extent the helplessness and frustration that torments you when you feel as if you can’t deal with a situation effectively. If no solution is possible because the provocation is totally beyond your control, you will make yourself miserable with your resentment, so why not get rid of it? It’s difficult if not impossible to feel anger and joy simultaneously. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think about one of the happiest moments of your life. Now ask yourself, ‘How many minutes of that period of peace and jubilation would I be willing to trade in for feeling frustration and irritation instead?’
3. The thoughts that generate repeated anger or aggression are typically distorted in some way. Correcting these distortions will reduce your anger. Distortions about a particular issue can not coexist with truth. We choose what to believe whether it is truth or a distorted belief – so believe objective truth and reject distorted thinking. To do this one must set aside their biases and be ruthlessly honest with them – something most angry people find difficult.
4. Often your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly toward you or some event that affects you is unjust. The intensity of the anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the perceived maliciousness and if the act is seen as intentional. Few things are fair and just. We’ve all been targets of unfairness. You choose how to react or respond to the injustice. You alone have the control over your own mind and emotions. Nobody can choose your response for you. Likewise, you alone are responsible for how you act and feel.
5. You are not the only person on earth with a brain. If you learn to see the world through the eyes of others, you will often be surprised to realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The other people may have legitimate reasons for what they do, say or think. Many times the perceived unfairness in these situations turns out to be an illusion that exists only in your mind! Much of your resentment and frustration will vanish when you let go of the unrealistic notion that that your concept of truth, justice, and fairness should be shared by everyone. To insist that your views or opinions are always right and everyone else is wrong or ‘misguided’ is distorted thinking. To believe that everyone is unfair to you is also distorted, simple because it isn’t true.
6. Other people do not deserve your punishment or abuse. Therefore your unwarranted aggression or anger-like behavior is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals in your interactions with them. Your aggression will often cause further deterioration of relationships and polarization from those wanting or willing to help you. You may need or want their help but have a way of biting the hand that reaches out to you. You may feel rejected when people pull away from you yet your aggression serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want, any short-term gains from such hostile manipulation will often be more than counterbalanced by a long-term resentment and retaliation from the people you are attempting to coerce. No one likes to be controlled, manipulated or taken for a fool. Aggression is counter productive.
7. A great deal of anger involves your defense against loss of ego or self-esteem when people criticize or disagree with you, or fail to behave as you want them to. Such anger is always inappropriate. The reason is simple: only your own negative distorted thoughts can cause you to lose self-esteem. Nobody can take it away from you unless you give it to them. When you blame others for how you feel, think or behave, you are shirking your own responsibly for yourself. You alone are responsible for you.
8. Frustration results from unmet expectations. Since the event that disappointed or upset you was real, it then became part of your “reality,” thus it was “realistic.” Much of our frustration comes from unrealized or unfulfilled expectations – many of which are unrealistic. You have the right to influence your reality to bring it more in line with your expectations, but this is not always practical, especially when these expectations represent ideals that don’t correspond to everyone else’s concept of reasonableness. The simplest solution would be to change your expectations. For example, some unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration include:
   • If I want something (love, happiness, a job or promotion, etc.), I deserve it.
   • If I work hard at something, I should be successful.
   • Other people should try to measure up to my standards and unquestionably accept my concept of “fairness.”
   • I should be able to solve my problems quickly and easily.
   • If I’m a good person, other people are bound to love and appreciate me.
   • People should think, reason, believe, feel, and act the way I do.
   • If I’m nice to someone, they should reciprocate.
9. It is childish to insist you have the right to be angry. Of course you do! Anger is legally permitted in the USA. Here is the crucial question: is it to your long term advantage to be aggressive or feel angry? Will you or the world around you really benefit from your aggression or anger? Doubtful. To think otherwise is distorted thinking. The world does not benefit by your aggressiveness or anger.
10. You rarely need your anger in order to be human. It is not true that you will be an unfeeling robot without it. In fact, when you rid yourself of that condemning sour irritability, you will feel greater zest, joy, peace, and productivity. You will experience liberation and a sense of freedom.

Summary: Anger is usually not about being right or wrong. It’s about not being willing to give up one’s position or perceived right. Is it worth the energy? In most instances of conflict and anger there isn’t any moral right or wrong, only differences of opinions. Giving up position does not mean you are admitting to wrong doing or mistakes (although we do make then!), it is deciding to spend your energy productively creating a non defensive atmosphere which promotes moving from the ‘why’ and blame to ‘how’ and problem solving.

Disclaimer: All articles on this website are designed to assist the reader. They are not intended to nor should they be construed as professional counseling.

Taken from Anger Management for Substance Abuse & Mental Health Clients
U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services, 2008

Myth #1: Anger Is Inherited. One misconception or myth about anger is that the way we express anger is inherited and cannot be changed. Sometimes, we may hear someone say, “I inherited my anger from my father; that’s just the way I am.” This statement implies that the expression of anger is a fixed and unalterable set of behaviors. Evidence from research studies, however, indicates that people are not born with set, specific ways of expressing anger. These studies show that because the expression of anger is learned behavior, more appropriate ways of expressing anger also can be learned.

It is well established that much of people’s behavior is learned by observing others, particularly influential people. These people include parents, family members, and friends. If children observe parents expressing anger through aggressive acts, such as verbal abuse and violence, it is very likely that they will learn to express anger in similar ways. Fortunately, this behavior can be changed by learning new and appropriate ways of anger expression. It is not necessary to continue to express anger by aggressive and violent means.

Myth #2: Anger Automatically Leads to Aggression. A related myth involves the misconception that the only effective way to express anger is through aggression. It is commonly thought that anger is something that builds and escalates to the point of an aggressive outburst. As has been said, however, anger does not necessarily lead to aggression. In fact, effective anger management involves controlling the escalation of anger by learning assertiveness skills, changing negative and hostile “self-talk,” challenging irrational beliefs, and employing a variety of behavioral strategies.

Myth #3: People Must Be Aggressive To Get What They Want. Many people confuse assertiveness with aggression. The goal of aggression is to dominate, intimidate, harm, or injure another person—to win at any cost. Conversely, the goal of assertiveness is to express feelings of anger in a way that is respectful of other people. For example, if you were upset because a friend was repeatedly late for meetings, you could respond by shouting obscenities and name-calling. This approach is an attack on the other person rather than an attempt to address the behavior that you find frustrating or anger provoking.

An assertive way of handling this situation might be to say, “When you are late for a meeting with me, I get pretty frustrated. I wish that you would be on time more often.” This statement expresses your feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction and communicates how you would like the situation changed. This expression does not blame or threaten the other person and minimizes the chance of causing emotional harm.

Myth #4: Venting Anger Is Always Desirable. For many years, the popular belief among numerous mental health professionals and laymen was that the aggressive expression of anger, such as screaming or beating on pillows, was healthy and therapeutic. Research studies have found, however, that people who vent their anger aggressively simply get better at being angry (Berkowitz, 1970; Murray, 1985; Straus, Gelles, & Steinmetz, 1980). In other words, venting anger in an aggressive manner reinforces aggressive behavior.

Anger as a Habitual Response

Not only is the expression of anger learned, but it can become a routine, familiar, and predictable response to a variety of situations. When anger is displayed frequently and aggressively, it can become a maladaptive habit because it results in negative consequences. Habits, by definition, are performed over and over again, without thinking. People with anger management problems often resort to aggressive displays of anger to solve their problems, without thinking about the negative consequences they may suffer or the debilitating effects it may have on the people around them.

Disclaimer: All articles on this website are designed to assist the reader. They are not intended to nor should they be construed as professional counseling.

1. Change is often uncomfortable and requires a willingness to ‘do things differently’ than what we are accustomed to. The old adage is true that states “If we do the same old things the same old way, we can only expect the same old results.” Change requires willingness on the part of the individual. No one else can change you – the power and control of self necessary for change must come from you – no body else is responsible for your change.
2. Change, learning and growth require honest awareness on the part of the person needing / wanting to change. Effective methods and techniques to achieve your goals is a necessary part of your plan of action. Little change will take place without a plan.
3. New beliefs, thoughts and behaviors have outcomes that are not always predictable. Without taking reasonable risk, change will not take place.
4. Removing unhealthy and unproductive behaviors from your life may leave an initial void in your life. Those habits used up considerable time and energy that may now be available for more productive and healthy thoughts, feelings and activities.
5. Changing life-long belief systems, thoughts, feelings and behaviors takes hard work. There is no magic formula for change. It must come from within – only you can make the necessary changes in your life. No one can do it for you. Nor is anyone else responsible to do it.
6. Unhealthy self defeating behaviors often have an initial benefit which makes it difficult to let go. You must be determined to change.
7. Old thinking habits will attempt to exert themselves upon you. You must take control of what you believe, what you think about, how you feel, and what you do. Be determined to change; be persistent. Above all, never ever give up. If (when) you fall, stand back up and keep going! Never ever give up on your self.
8. Be aware of irrational or distorted thinking habits. If you believe you have none, think again. It is those very habits that need to change.
9. Significant people in your life may be resistant to your positive changes for a variety of reasons. Change anyway. It is your life (and probably theirs) that will be positively affected.
10. Be honest with yourself – always. Self deception is your enemy. Many times a person doesn’t want to see what needs to change – so they don’t. Change will not happen unless you are brutally honest with yourself.

Disclaimer: All articles on this website are designed to assist the reader. They are not intended to nor should they be construed as professional counseling.

The following are the most common causes of aggression that may lead to anger. The anger may be simmering deep within or readily observable, or both. Keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion. Another emotions typically precedes the anger or aggression.

1. Unmet Needs: Unmet needs sometimes first cause us to feel hurt, then angry. If we felt unloved, abused or unaccepted while growing up or even now, we may feel hurt and angry. This may cause us to consider choices that lead to offending others. It is common to see those who have been hurt follow suit by hurting others.
2. Frustration: Usually some sort of tension or frustration precedes anger. We may be frustrated before we are angry. We feel frustration when something or someone hinders our goal achievement, particularly if we have no control or influence over the situation. Appropriate coping skills are necessary in order to ensure frustration does not lead to inappropriate displays of anger.
3. Rejection: When we feel or sense rejection we sometimes feel hurt, wounded, frustrated, which can turn to anger. When we are rejected or ignored by someone important to us, such as parents, spouse, children, etc., we may suffer from feelings associated with rejection.
4. Destructive Criticism: Criticism may sometimes result in hurt feelings, feelings of being misunderstood, frustration, which can lead to anger and or aggressiveness. When we are verbally abused or ridiculed as kids or as an adult, our sense of self importance may be damaged. When we make mistakes, but others constantly put us down rather than help us, we become hurt, frustrated, and/or sometimes angry. Again, coping skills are important.
5. Unrealized Expectations or Desire: Not getting what we want may cause us to choose to feel angry. When a baby wants food, something to play with, or affection, but does not get it, they may cry and/or throw a temper tantrum. Kids and adults do the same thing – only in a different manner.
6. Physical pain: Chronic pain can cause a person to be upset since there is often times nothing we can do to mitigate the discomfort. This too can be a control issue. We can get frustrated and express anger.
7. Injustice: We may think we have been treated wrongly or in an unjust manner and become frustrated, if not, angry. Some injust treatment may be real; much of it is caused by our own imagination and not supported by the facts.
8. Disrespect: When someone shows disrespect by name-calling, putdowns, or some other negative, inconsiderate behavior, we may feel frustrated and/or angry. Coping skills can help us ignore the disrespect.
9. Loss: When we experience some sort of loss we may feel hurt and angry. Losses include not seeing someone anymore, death, loss of job, and break-ups, etc. The list of possible losses is endless. There is a grieving process that is often necessary when we suffer loss. If we deny ourselves the benefits of grieving, we will never learn to live with the loss. Grieving is necessary when suffering a significant loss.
10. Role Models: Certain people may serve as role models to us. Some role models show positive behaviors while others demonstrate negative behaviors. We must choose wisely who will serve as our role model. If we choose an angry person to emulate, there is a high probability that we will imitate their behavior. Parents, teachers, coaches, clergy, political leaders, etc. should be carefully scrutinized before we choose to follow or imitate them. If they are ‘angry’ people and demonstrate a lack of coping skills, then we may likely follow their example.
11. Threats and put-downs: Insults often causes one to become hurt, defensive and aggressive. In such a case there is a fine line between defensiveness and aggression or anger. Some people over-react to perceived threats or put-downs by emotionally exploding. Those who are impulsive, easily influenced and/or believe the threat or put-down are quicker to react with negative anger.
12. Stress: Stress is a huge provocation to aggressive behavior or anger. It may cause us to feel easily irritable and react with inappropriate aggression or anger.

Disclaimer: All articles on this website are designed to assist the reader. They are not intended to nor should they be construed as professional counseling.